Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
