Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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