Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
