i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
