i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
