he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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