i was rollin on her like bob the builder
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Naked. naked and bneed help.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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