remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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