My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
