did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
