I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
