Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
