Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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