I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
