Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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