I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
