We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
