Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
