Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
