I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
