Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
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