I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
