Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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