the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
