she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize