I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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