I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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