Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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