my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
