I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
