This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I look better un-naked...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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