Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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