youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
