The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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