All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
It's official drugs can't kill me
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
