No stitches, just platelets and will power
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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