I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
