Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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