If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
