I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
