If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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