I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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