I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
