I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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