I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
