Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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