i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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