what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize