while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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