Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
