My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
