i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
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