maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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