I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize