spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
