fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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