Pants 0. Shit 1.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
