He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
