You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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