As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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