Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
